(In case you were wondering, I am not properly typing out “the word” for this essay simply to avoid being put in people’s spam folders).
We were all sitting in a circle around the living room. The high ceilings of the Victorian apartment sparkled as the night closed in on Edinburgh; and as the days went on and trust grew between this group of strangers on a writing retreat, we did what women do: we started to share the deeper, more intimate parts of ourselves. The parts that have felt “too exposing” to speak of plainly — until then.
S*x is always an elephant in the room. Always a conversation topic that we never quite know how to “start” despite its role in each person’s life and identity. And we’ve all been marred by it somehow. Whether by p*rn or purity culture, the world and the Church have been fighting over how we define “godly” s*xuality since The Fall. The pagans worship their gods through prostitution. The “righteous” worship the law.
And all have come up short. In the modern day, it looks like nitpicking over how to dress and “how far is too far” on one side while throwing complete caution to the wind on the other side, and all of it results in bondage.
And I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of young people being told that s*x is “good” while simultaneously teaching adults to rot in shame. Shame of our feelings. Shame of our bodies. Shame of our mistakes.
I’m tired of opening Instagram or even scrolling Facebook marketplace (I was looking for a new writing desk for goodness’ sake) only to be tempted by hyper sexualised content that beckons me to want what dishonours my marriage whilst looking at my own body and feeling like she’s unworthy of being wanted (because I don’t fit the moulds which harass me).
I’m tired of s*x in marriage being promised as a path to “wholeness” without acknowledging that it’s also a path to pain.
I’m tired of feeling like God is so distant from who I am as a s*xual being despite my Bible telling me otherwise.
So as we made the rounds and shared more vulnerably in that Edinburgh apartment, I felt my heart closing in. My story still feels like it has no place because it fits none of the stereotypes and yet holds all of the grief.
And I only know how to be seen as a suffering thing: because despite my best efforts, I have never found a teaching on s*x that wasn’t triggering or heretical or both. I have never felt like I can tap into the freedom and redemption that is promised — not here. Not in this part of me.
I have heard no narrative that soothes the wounds of my story, and I fear the enemy stared at my isolation with glee.
But then my friend, Anna Shuman, spoke. And she took us back to The Garden. And to Job. And she taught me things about the Bible that I never knew. And she showed us all that s*x is a more beautiful part of God’s plan for humanity than any purity culture or progressive Christianity sermon has ever shared.
I was exposed. A naked soul laid bare to the utter radiance of God’s heart. And He did not look away.
Anna and I locked eyes, and I remembered that Church is not just where we attend on Sundays. This was Church. And I could not ever complain again that the Church had failed to teach properly about s*x and s*xuality. Anna filled that gap by pointing me back to the truth of Scripture and revealing a piece of God’s character that I had not yet allowed myself to see.
And in seeing God’s heart for me as a s*xual creature, it makes even more sense now why Satan has been on a war path to mar our s*xuality for so long:
“The whole philosophy of Hell rests on recognition of the axiom that one thing is not another thing… My good is my good and yours is yours. What one gains another loses.”
- The Screwtape Letters, Chapter 18
“Members of [God’s] faction have frequently admitted that if ever we came to understand what He means by love, the war would be over and we should re-enter Heaven.”
- The Screwtape Letters, Chapter 19
Our understanding of our own humanity as s*xual beings is not merely for our own enjoyment (though that is one deep, beautiful, and important piece). But as is usual for God, when we understand His true heart for our identity as His creation, we are called “further up and further in” to an understanding of Love itself, not just for the married but for the unmarried. Because it’s all part of a grander story that teaches us the interdependence of love, the vulnerability of being seen, and the capacity of our Saviour to step into the pit with us; to cover us; to see us in our nakedness and not look away.
Naturally, I had to get Anna on the show when we reached chapters 18 & 19 of Screwtape.
This is the most raw, beautiful set of interviews I’ve ever done on Magic Like This. Whether you are married or single, I implore you to listen. Anna’s wisdom is a healing balm to the soul.
All my love,
Listen to the episodes:
Some upcoming changes to Magic Like This
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